Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Letters to People and Things That Can't Actually Hear Me

Dear Baby Snakes,
You're not welcome in my house. I realize that you're tiny and since your mouth is so small, even if you were poisonous, you wouldn't actually be able to bite anything bigger than a fly. You're still not allowed in my house. I'm tired of removing you. I know, I know, I've only had to do it twice. But that's two more times than I ever had to do it in our old house, and it was surrounded by woods and a pond! Now we live in town. I should not be chasing random wildlife out of my hallway. (Or my closet.)
Sincerely,
Not A Snake Wrangler

Dear People Stuck Behind the School Bus,
I know it sucks. You're just trying to get to wherever it you need to be. I understand. But I also know that when you're stuck behind a bus in the morning, that the half-mile stretch between where I'm trying to pull out onto the highway and where that bus will finally turn is ten minutes of stop-and-go-three-inches-forward-then-stop-again. I can see how you would be very territorial of your place in line. But, you see that little blinky thing on the front of my truck under the headlight? It's telling you that I don't want to cut in line, I want to cut through the line and drive the other direction. All I'm asking for is about three seconds of your wait time. Just pause, let me through, and you can get back to waiting. In the grand scheme of things, is ten minutes and three seconds really that much worse? Your unselfish cooperation is appreciated.
Sincerely,
Already Running Late This Morning Owing to the Need to Remove a Snake From my Hallway.

Dear Other Parents of Pre-K Kids at My Kids' School,
The sign says "Enter Only." And the street is narrow. I think that about covers it.
Sincerely,
At This Point Everything is Annoying Me. Don't Take it Personally.

Dear Air Conditioner in my Truck,
I've accepted the fact that I cannot take you for granted.  I know that sometimes when I turn on the truck, you will start up, too. And I know that sometimes you won't. I have come to terms with this. But deciding to turn on just as I'm pulling into my driveway? Come on, you're just screwing with me now, aren't you? Be nice.
Sincerely,
Oh My Gosh I Can't Wait for my First Cup of Coffee!!

Dear Self,
Unlock the door before trying to open it. Do you like having to do the shameful, quick glance around to make sure no neighbors noticed you walking full speed, smack, into your front door? I didn't think so.
Sincerely,
Your Common Sense
p.s. I'm so sorry I've been missing lately. Short-term Memory and I needed a vacation. Hope you're getting along just fine without us!

Dear Common Sense,
You and Short-term Memory need to cut your vacation short. You've left me looking like such an idiot lately. I need you! And I am not too proud to beg you to return to me, ASAP!
Sincerely,
Me


(I'm still in the middle of the post I was working on Monday. I'll put it up later today or tomorrow... probably tomorrow, because my to-do list is embarrassingly long right now!)

2 comments:

  1. I love these letters! Can you make them another feature? Maybe every other week?

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  2. I wasn't sure how it would come across in blog form when I did it this morning, but I figured I'd try. It cracks my kids up when I monologue like that (I don't usually do it in letter form, when I do it out loud), so I thought it was worth a try. :-) I'll see if I can keep a list of stuff to write letters to/about this week and maybe I can come up with enough for a whole blog post again. These things all just happened to happen all in a half-hour span this morning!

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